I was raised in Nelson in a Christian family, and always believed in God – it was just the way I was brought up. My parents always took me to church and youth group, and when I was about 16, I started to go to church on my own accord, branching out from my parents' faith. And that was fantastic.
Then in my late teens, I was in a church service one day – I don't recall what the pastor said, but I went away thinking, My whole life I've heard about this God, and if he's not real, then what the heck are we doing?
I went away with a sort of frustration, and in my heart, I challenged God: Show me that you're real, because if you're not, I will give up. Because I was tired of sitting in services and hearing preaching but not seeing the reality of God.
It really frustrated me to the point where I genuinely meant it – if he didn't reveal himself to me, I was done with it, because why bother?
For the next while, I was alone in my room, in prayer and worship, crying out to God.
I honestly thought it was going to take months, and I'd reach a point where I'd sacrificed “enough” of myself, and God would respond.
He showed up in two weeks.
The only way to explain what I encountered was this indescribable “liquid” love. It was a love that permeated my being and I felt immersed in. And it wasn't just abstract. It was a person. How do you describe the love of your parents? It was like that, but so much more.
So that was very profound, and it’s still a foundational point in my life, but not long after that, my life got very low, and I was very lost and very confused.
I married my wonderful wife, and we had four kids, and that was really the joy in my life. But in terms of career and everything else, I was lost and stuck.
It lasted for about 10 years. I didn’t realise there was a term for it at the time, but I was in the process of what is called “deconstructing” my faith.
I’d had this Christian upbringing, and suddenly realised I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't know what to make of that experience I'd had with God. I didn't know what to make with all these years, so I just put all of it aside. I told people I was “putting it on the table over there”.
I was working as a landscaper for five and a half years when an opportunity to study at Bishopdale College came up.
My time studying at Bishopdale helped me to bring these things off the table back into my life. It helped me to reconstruct my faith. It's helped me to understand life and God in a far more profound, meaningful, real way. More real than I could have imagined.
A quote by C. S. Lewis sums up beautifully what has happened for my faith when he writes:
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
That Jesus is the light of the world is truer than I could have ever known truth could be true.
Then, about two years ago, I was approached to begin discussions about St Johns Church Wakefield. This was another moment where I could sense God’s movement. It was amazing to see how three seemingly unconnected events – moving to Wakefield six years ago, beginning study at Bishopdale four years ago, and St Johns in Wakefield looking for someone to help with their ministry – all came together at just the right time.
What has also been mind-blowing to see is the desire and vision God has instilled in me, particularly in relation to how I view the work I do for the Wakefield Church. God has birthed in me a desire to remain faithful to a church, in a land called Wakefield, until he moves me on or I die – the latter of which I hope will be the case.
If I had been told even three years ago that I would want nothing more than to live my life in a small New Zealand town, serving a small but unbelievably beautiful and faithful church community, and sharing the glorious hope and salvation found in the Lord Jesus Christ until the day I died, I would not have believed it. But here I am. And here, God willing, I hope to stay.
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series below.
More articles in the
series are to come.
We have invited these writers to share their experiences, ideas and opinions in the hope that these will provoke thought, challenge you to go deeper and inspire you to put your faith into action. These articles should not be taken as the official view of the Nelson Diocese on any particular matter.
I was raised in Nelson in a Christian family, and always believed in God – it was just the way I was brought up. My parents always took me to church and youth group, and when I was about 16, I started to go to church on my own accord, branching out from my parents' faith. And that was fantastic.
Then in my late teens, I was in a church service one day – I don't recall what the pastor said, but I went away thinking, My whole life I've heard about this God, and if he's not real, then what the heck are we doing?
I went away with a sort of frustration, and in my heart, I challenged God: Show me that you're real, because if you're not, I will give up. Because I was tired of sitting in services and hearing preaching but not seeing the reality of God.
It really frustrated me to the point where I genuinely meant it – if he didn't reveal himself to me, I was done with it, because why bother?
For the next while, I was alone in my room, in prayer and worship, crying out to God.
I honestly thought it was going to take months, and I'd reach a point where I'd sacrificed “enough” of myself, and God would respond.
He showed up in two weeks.
The only way to explain what I encountered was this indescribable “liquid” love. It was a love that permeated my being and I felt immersed in. And it wasn't just abstract. It was a person. How do you describe the love of your parents? It was like that, but so much more.
So that was very profound, and it’s still a foundational point in my life, but not long after that, my life got very low, and I was very lost and very confused.
I married my wonderful wife, and we had four kids, and that was really the joy in my life. But in terms of career and everything else, I was lost and stuck.
It lasted for about 10 years. I didn’t realise there was a term for it at the time, but I was in the process of what is called “deconstructing” my faith.
I’d had this Christian upbringing, and suddenly realised I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't know what to make of that experience I'd had with God. I didn't know what to make with all these years, so I just put all of it aside. I told people I was “putting it on the table over there”.
I was working as a landscaper for five and a half years when an opportunity to study at Bishopdale College came up.
My time studying at Bishopdale helped me to bring these things off the table back into my life. It helped me to reconstruct my faith. It's helped me to understand life and God in a far more profound, meaningful, real way. More real than I could have imagined.
A quote by C. S. Lewis sums up beautifully what has happened for my faith when he writes:
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
That Jesus is the light of the world is truer than I could have ever known truth could be true.
Then, about two years ago, I was approached to begin discussions about St Johns Church Wakefield. This was another moment where I could sense God’s movement. It was amazing to see how three seemingly unconnected events – moving to Wakefield six years ago, beginning study at Bishopdale four years ago, and St Johns in Wakefield looking for someone to help with their ministry – all came together at just the right time.
What has also been mind-blowing to see is the desire and vision God has instilled in me, particularly in relation to how I view the work I do for the Wakefield Church. God has birthed in me a desire to remain faithful to a church, in a land called Wakefield, until he moves me on or I die – the latter of which I hope will be the case.
If I had been told even three years ago that I would want nothing more than to live my life in a small New Zealand town, serving a small but unbelievably beautiful and faithful church community, and sharing the glorious hope and salvation found in the Lord Jesus Christ until the day I died, I would not have believed it. But here I am. And here, God willing, I hope to stay.
Check out other articles in the
series below.
More articles in the
series are to come.
